it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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