I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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