just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
