My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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