Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
is that a dick in a sweater?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
