If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
