You're so nebulous sometimes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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