Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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