you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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