i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
