just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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