You smell like a Billy Joel song
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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