Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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