I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
