She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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