is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
