When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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