sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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