I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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