Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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