I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work