I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
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Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.