Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
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I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?