I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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