Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
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Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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