dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
