The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
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she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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