I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I party with great urgency now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
