everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
