finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
