Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
