Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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