every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
