Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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