I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
