i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
