God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
