yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
