I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
