meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
