I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
