It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
