we were pretty classy up until the second keg
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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