Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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