Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
