the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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