fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
