His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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