Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
