The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
