i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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