I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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