So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
