plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
