I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
