I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
