When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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