so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
