at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i think i have herpe
just one?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
