I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
