how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
