I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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