i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
