i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
