If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
