Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
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let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
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I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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